lanterns lit at january dawn

life + house update

Creaking floorboards gently rouse me from a soft dream-state; my husband is making me coffee in the kitchen. I slowly roll over, hips aching, I stretch, I wince. Over a year later and pain is still the first thing I feel in the morning. I reach for my heating pad and burrow back down under my down comforter. Just as I am about to drift away, my husband sets a homemade peppermint mocha on my side table. The heat from the mug warms my face as I smile. This isn’t our normal routine, but it feels nice, as if the old year is being folded away like closet linens, and the new one is still half-hidden in the dawn mist. 

I gave birth last March, and life still hasn’t settled into a normal. The last time I wrote, I was around 33 weeks and on sudden maternity leave. Pelvic floor dysfunction had damaged my hips so badly during pregnancy that I was unable to walk. At 35 weeks, I swelled. Two days after my baby shower, I was induced for pre-eclampsia, labored for 4 days, had a traumatic birth, and was rehospitalized after discharge. But somewhere in the middle of it all we brought the most beautiful, precious baby boy earthside, our little JD. That’s the short version of it, but I’ll tell that story another time.

scenes from my beautiful baby shower

Spring was blissful. Soaking up every soft sound and snuggle from my baby consumed my days. I binged some really good TV shows (Reign, The Man in the High Castle, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives). I finally figured out how to make sourdough. I connected deeper and deeper with my son and realized that I couldn’t bear to leave him to go back to work. I quit my job. I got plugged in with a local mom group.

my local mom group did mini photo sessions at a peach farm (@alisasphotos on IG)

Summer played a different tune. At 3 months postpartum, we had to move… again. After moving across the country into our cozy little cabin, we started to notice some things around the cabin that would be dangerous to the baby. Steep stairs, wide railings, and black mold in the bathroom, a leaking roof that the landlord wouldn't fix. Luckily, since we had the baby so soon after moving, we hadn’t unpacked much. The move to the other side of town went relatively smoothly, considering I was experiencing episodes of postpartum rage, and moving twice in 6 months is already rage-inducing by itself. In the midst of it all, our son was baptized and Chrismated.

I handmade an heirloom baptismal gown and matching towel from a thrifted organic cotton flannel sheet

I became averse to our cats, frustrated and sobbing with every inconvenience, I fell deep into a chasm of emotional lability. My best friend from high school was killed tragically. In addition, the hip pain that began when I was 16 weeks pregnant had still not abated. I started a journey in pelvic floor therapy and began to heal, but I was still barely able to carry my baby because of the pain. I felt like a burden to my husband, because not only did I quit my job to stay home and freeload off of him (or at least that’s what my brain was telling me), I also cannot clean, cook, or otherwise maintain the house. People told me I was being too harsh on myself, that it takes longer than 6 months to bounce back, but that never stuck to me. The trauma of my pregnancy and birth was lingering and I couldn’t shake it. All I could do was to just move through the season one day at a time, focusing on my relationships and trying (and often failing) to give myself grace.

It took a while to get settled in this new house. I have been jumping from place to place for 5 years, keeping most of my things in storage, living as a travel nurse. I think part of me was avoiding getting attached to this new house, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not long after moving in here, one thing after another started going wrong with the house. Our water was turning brown, the toilet was leaking, and our well was constantly running dry. Then, once we got our water back, the heat and A/C stopped working. Then the water stopped working again. I was constantly taking dishes and laundry to my mom's house and felt like I still didn't even have a home.

Autumn was when things got better. My husband and I went out of town while my mom took the baby for our wedding anniversary. My sister got married. I discovered that dry needling helps my pain and got back into the gym. The house problems slowly faded away. I grew deeper in connections with new friends. I watched my baby fly through milestones, and I am still waiting for some others to show up. I fermented sauerkraut and pickles for the first time. I started content creating on Instagram. My baby started solids, so breastfeeding got easier. I opened my business back up. I had a beautiful Thanksgiving dinner with my family. We took our first family photos.

anniversary trip / wedding / solids

By Christmas, we had settled enough to get decorations out. There are still a few boxes to unpack, and a few more bags of laundry, but I am finally starting to feel like I have a home.

my first real Christmas tree

This new house we are staying in doesn’t have quite the same things as the old house. There’s no land, but my husband and I agreed that our ideas of tending to 6 overgrown, mountainous, steep acres were lofty expectations of two first time parents and homesteaders. But, we have a large, fenced backyard with plenty of woods for the kids to play in that overlooks a beautiful vineyard. There’s a fire pit, a front and back porch, and a flower bed in the front for my medicine garden. We have also started a composter in the back!

This new house has an exposed wood ceiling, so it keeps the feel of the cabin, but lets much more light in with the white walls. Instead of it being a one room cabin that can barely fit the three of us, we have a master, a nursery, and a hobby room. And best of all - the kitchen is huge.

As worried as the cabin made us for raising a young baby in, we were sad to leave it. My final days of pregnancy and first forty days of motherhood were spent in the cozy haven of the cabin loft. My husband and I would talk for hours about what we wanted to do with the land, and it was hard to say goodbye to those pictures we had painted in each other’s minds.

However, we are much happier now. Between mold exposure and an overwhelming task list, we needed something else. 

Reflecting on the past year offers me such deep wisdom for looking forward to this new year, like turning over the dying embers of the chaotic past year towards the first faint glow of the new. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my intentions for 2026, and they feel less like bold resolutions and more like lanterns hung along a snowy path, small lights to walk by.

This year has been good to me so far. I handmade a gift for a friend’s baby shower. My baby started signing a new sign. I got a new car. I gave myself a haircut. I'm still in pain, but it will get better with more PT. I bought myself a cute new pair of pants. I am sipping my peppermint mocha and thinking about the lanterns I am going to hang.